[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
just got my engagement photos
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
How your email finds me
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Straight people are cancelled
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.