[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
You Might Also Like
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
crochet youtube is brutal
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.