[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.


The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.


*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*


Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes


dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife


One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby


Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.


Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were


A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.