Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
😜
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.