“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
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Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy