[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
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Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor