zone out
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[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.