ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]