Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…