zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
You’ll be OK
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot