zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.


Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds


Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.


[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?


You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*


8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?


you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does


I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people


Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.