I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused