Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
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So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I can’t stop laughing at this
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.