Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
PARKOUR
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.