zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.