Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!