[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
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[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Awwwww shit.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.