*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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I am having an out of money experience.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir