Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

How to woo a woman

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”