Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
FINE, I WON’T.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.