Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
A dad and his duck
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Cucumbers Anonymous
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.