[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.