Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

2022: I can fix it

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.