zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
You Might Also Like
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up