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How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.