Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

BRAKING NEWS!!

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

“Nurse, how is the child who swallowed the coins doing?”

“No change yet, Doctor.”

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.