[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…