Mike is short for Micycle
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When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy