Therapist: And what do we say when someone says your life is a train wreck?
Me: Choo, Choo! All aboard!!!
Therapist:
Me:
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don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
what
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.