Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce