What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.