your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
these two trucks have the same bed length
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My body type is like a mullet. All business in the front and a party in the back.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!