I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.