@Marlebean

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

@JodingersCat

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

@English_Channel

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

@notmythirdrodeo

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

@riot4rach

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

@ToriTheMom

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

@LifePitts

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo