Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!
I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.