[first date]
HER: well, I’m still hung up on my ex from college. Do you have any baggage?
ME: it has recently come to my attention that I have been under a voodoo curse due to my actions in early 2015
I know this is a show off post but feck it I had to share.
When you work hard all your life and you are doing so well you can treat yourself.
White was the only colour but it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just purchased four of these garden chairs!!
Me, sliding glass toward waitress: hit me again
Waitress: you…you want a third milkshake
Me: you heard me
Apparently “made a software developer cry once.” isn’t an accomplishment to discuss in an interview.
Somebody stole my co worker money so I asked how much she said $100 but then I went in the bathroom and counted it shit was only $53
Whoever is writing my romcom can you maybe idk, START IT????
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My daughter told me she got her boyfriend by approaching him to feel his hoodie, and saying “this feels like boyfriend material” and now I don’t know what to do with this information.
My wife, to our therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist, to me: “What does she mean?”
Me: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
What have Arsenal got against trophies?
White border agent = Vanilla Ice
You can throw an axe in any bar if you don’t give a shit
Buddy just texted me that I should’ve passed him the ball in a lacrosse game that happened in 2019
Not only is it not Friday, but it’s not even Thursday
*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.