I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage


My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you


The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles


You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”


Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week


Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.


my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo