Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?


Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.


I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?


-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will


Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.


cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy