My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.



I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks


Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.


Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.


My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]


Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)


Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends


9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.