Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.