you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic


New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.


You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet


Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.


Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”


Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.