Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
