@colleen_eileen

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

@kelter1

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

@Mardigroan

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

@HushJared

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

@EdgarPoop1

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

@lukeplusone

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

@VitaeArcanum

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

@portmanteauface

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

@ShootyDoody

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

@TheRealPalMal

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.