@TheHyyyype

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

@Social_Mime

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

@meantomyself

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

@jojipaints

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

@SoVeryBritish

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

@Jake_Vig

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.