Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.


A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.


The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.


Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.


One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?


Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’


Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving


If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact


When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”


Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.