My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Stephen King ruined corn children for me