@Qwertyings

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

@ACartoonCat

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

@AllanForsyth

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

@Marlebean

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

@

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

@

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@CrisMtzgr

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

@OGPoutyMcgee

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

@Lisabug74

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.