@sundaecone888

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

@hansabumsadaisy

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

@FredTaming

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

@JohnLyonTweets

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

@small_blunder

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

@Ygrene

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN