@Qwertyings I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
@Qwertyings 
@ACartoonCat Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
@AllanForsyth Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
@Marlebean “Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
@CrisMtzgr My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
@OGPoutyMcgee Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
@MooseAllain Sheep
@Lisabug74 Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.