@AndyAndyField

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

@MommyWhoTweets

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

@thefishpants

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

@Mardigroan

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

@mxmclain

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

@Tommytoughstuff

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.