@AndyAndyField Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
@MommyWhoTweets Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
@jasonroeder I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
@briantheruller “How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
@thefishpants If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
@AnOrangeSNES Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
@Mardigroan Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
@mxmclain My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
@suecorvette professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
@Tommytoughstuff JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.