Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead


Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?



I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.


If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody


Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label


“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”


Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion


My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence


professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more


JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.