@sundaecone888 Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
@sundaecone888 
@hansabumsadaisy My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
@StainsQueen My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
@PinkCamoTO Candid photo of me, eating chips.
@EyalTweet “Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
@LizerReal me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
@FredTaming waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
@JohnLyonTweets [business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
@small_blunder Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
@Ygrene [texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN