When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”


*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?


My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!


Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year


Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.


Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?


“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken


“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”