*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
i hope my email finds you on fire
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I have no passwords left in me
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor
Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭