It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story


Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.


5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*


5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves


me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened


I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.


[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen


My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat


Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no