@mariana057

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

@RYGdance

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

@chuuew

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

@OllyiConic

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

@TattleTSister

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.