So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.


People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.


ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller


It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.


scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god


The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.


I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.