@MelissaOng69420 no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
@Heatinblack What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
@Smooheed I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
@sweetmomissa Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
@daddygofish It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
@hansabumsadaisy What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
@Browtweaten [placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
@LizerReal My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
@English_Channel when someone rings the doorbell
@ianpauldukes ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax