@lukeplusone

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

@Cornjerker78

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

@MommyCocktail

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

@eleniZarro

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

@mxmclain

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

@mcdadstuff

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

@benedictsred

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

@_SouthernMama

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.