no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
when someone rings the doorbell
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax