Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Where is your GOD now????
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.