@SocialOutcast82 Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
@thehubrispanda Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
@GingerHotDish I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
@squirrel74wkgn Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
@slater_jona Where is your GOD now????
@RobDenBleyker “have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
@AnthroBalkans Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
@GrahamKritzer Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
@ACartoonCat Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
@asaltiercorpse I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.