@MelissaOng69420

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

@Heatinblack

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

@Smooheed

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

@sweetmomissa

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

@daddygofish

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

@hansabumsadaisy

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

@Browtweaten

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

@LizerReal

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

@ianpauldukes

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax