I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.


Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.



me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no


Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.


Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!


public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win


If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too


I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.