Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem