@LizerReal

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

@JenAshleyWright

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

@bobbyteriyaki

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

@MirandaKeeling

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

@DavidLammy

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

@lukeplusone

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket