Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it


Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?


My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?


Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free


Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line


Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.


“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.


My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.