The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Ummm
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Peace was never an option
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
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