The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-