me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
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“so what brings you to therapy today?”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Where’s my employee discount too?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in