the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
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on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
This guy gets it.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats