the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Siri: Retweet me.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?