Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
can’t believe I got front row seats
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park