Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name


I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.


WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them


ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY


I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.


[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…


Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.


Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.


U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.