You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Seems kinda suspicious
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”