the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
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[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.