Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.