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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Proctology is located in A55
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.