My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
The Backseat Boys
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s