“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many