Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
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I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities