Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)


Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect


[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?


To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks


I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”


Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness


cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life