Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I’ll be mad as hell!
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password