Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes