My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You Might Also Like
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I think I’ll stand
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry