My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Care for your back
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
getting groceries
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.