*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
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Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster