Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
He’s cranky this morning