Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”