Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
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